MANNERS: TO WHAT DEPTH DOES HONOR LIE?

By John Maerz BA LMT

Truly, once the Way is lost,

There comes then virtue;

Virtue lost, comes then compassion;

After that morality;

And when that's lost, there's manners,

The husk of good faith,

The rising point of anarchy.

-Lao Tzu 479 B.C.

     In this time of frantic breakneck speed and with our need to accomplish and accumulate creature comforts something has been lost; patience with others and ourselves, which allows for an old-fashioned tradition…manners.

     Contrary to common belief manners were devised not only to give us a code in order that we may get along without friction but also to arrange the allotment of space around us so that this friction remains at a minimum. Different cultures arrange their behavior according to different customs. For example a northern European finds it distressing when a southern European stands nose to nose with them. One is invading the other's customary space. Yet for the southern European this is a perfectly normal behavior. Opening the door for someone makes it apparent who is to go through first so there are no collisions. When waiting to be served in a public place most of us are aware that a line indicates the order in which we are to be served. All these behaviors and more eliminate uncomfortable situations by removing doubt as to how we should act.

     But what about the person who cuts in on a line? Or the one who marches through the door when you've opened it for someone else? Or the person that drops the door in your face when you’re loaded with groceries? There seem to be many attitudes held as to what manners are all about or, for that fact, if even there should be any! For those of us who have manners they seem to have become a liability in dealing with those who don't. It's our expectation that makes for a puzzling surprise.

     Not having manners seems to mostly be a function of selfishness. Granted some of us weren't raised with them yet those of us who have consideration seem to develop a set nevertheless.

     There are two types of mannerless people; those who know about them and those who don't. Those who don't know can still be taught if they have compassion. And then there are those who know and use them as an edge over others. The thrust is usually that they will bank on the fact that we will neither do nor say anything out of respect while they set up a situation favorable to them but where we will appear to be selfish in the eyes of others if we act in opposition to them.

     Often times we end up in a situation that if we tell the truth the results will go contrary to what we intended, yet, if we lie the situation goes the way we intended but we appear to be a fool in the eyes of others. This riddle can only have two outcomes. To agree to a lie saves face but loses self-respect. The other keeps self-respect but loses face.  Which is more important?